#23 mark manson/Lori Gottlieb podcast notes

Original video:

What Everyone Gets Wrong About Mental Health (ft. Lori Gottlieb) – Mark Manson podcast

Therapy happens outside the therapy session. You go to dance class not to learn how to dance, but to be a dancer. If you’re not dancing outside of class, you’re not a dancer.

Therapy: most people come to therapy with the goal of learning how to change… someone else. 

These people need humility AND therapy.

Trump says “this is a good haircut” and you go “you damned right it is!” – Idiot compassion

“Before diagnosing someone with depression make sure they aren’t surrounded with assholes” – 

Depression: thinking “everything is wrong, it’s all my fault, I can’t do anything to change it”. (Dictionary of Me)

Sounds like the perfect “out” to give to someone who previously was considering one option – “it’s all my fault”. And I don’t think someone truly depressed takes that out…but here’s the deal….

And now they have two options: it’s all my fault OR everyone is an asshole. I’m guessing the latter to be rare.

We all perceive the number of assholes to be far greater than actual.


We only know a few people, but there are a lot of people. And assholes are usually: people we don’t know, doing things we don’t understand.

You know this because you’re constantly apologizing for people in your life to someone else, saying “he’s a real sweetheart when you get to know him”. 

”If you meet an asshole today, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes everyday, you’re the asshole” – someone smart said this.

I see Jordan Peterson define depession as a “biological reaction to a perceived lack of meaning in life”. 

I had a bit of a biological reaction reading that.

Therapy is like a changing room – the mirror is on you, but no one else can see. You get to try on different outfits – different “ways of being” – in private. If you like how it looks on you, then you “buy it”. You buy it and wear it out the door. New boot scootin’.

The therapists job is to point out when that new outfit makes you look fat. Or victim-y. Or…whatever.

Back to the podcast…

Stages of Change

1. Pre-contemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Preparation
4. Change

Change is easy. Staying changed isn’t. We all fail at change at first. Something trips us up. And instead of facing that new something, we often say “oh, I’m a failure!” and GO BACK. The devil you know is always preferred to the devil you don’t.

Change is like being dropped in a foreign country. It’s great until something goes wrong. Then you long for the familiar – to go back to the way it was before.

This is why you choose the devil you know, and also why that’s probably not a good idea.

A year and a half off booze for Manson – nice! Congrats, dude!

Every problem boils down to “I want to love and be loved” and mostly we are just trying to get permission – to give ourselves permission – to feel that. This comes from a conflict where a person wants change for their life but fears that change will somehow hurt someone they love and cause them to not be loved.

It’s human nature to try to be the thing being validated. #vulnerable

Vulnerability is not a selfie without make-up or crying into the camera when your friend gets married – that’s performative in a way that is seeking validation.

“True vulnerability is saying something difficult to someone who means alot to me where the stakes are high”. You need to be ok with being rejected.

Being open with everyone is insane. I laughed at that. Address issues immediately and when you notice or they dry into your relationship like cement.

That sums it up for me. I’m stopping with cement.

Damn fine pod from Manson.